During courtship, you talked endlessly. You shared your hopes, dreams, ideas and even sweet nothings. You’d linger hours on the telephone too. After you tied the knot you still had a great time talking just about nothing. Then you discovered that your conversations became mundane, with just the perfunctory queries. With time, even that tapered off, till you started communicating via ‘post-its’! Even while being in the same room, the only sound that’s heard is the rustle of the newspaper or that of the television!

Alarm bells start ringing, and you realize that you got to improve communication in your marriage. By and large, women often seek to improve communication in a marriage, with the husbands raising their hands in despair, for, often women are better communicators while men would rather listen. Psychologically, women are better equipped to translate their feelings into words and in pouring their hearts out, while men would brood and think. However, no relationship survives, without both partners taking an active part in improving communication in their marriage.

When one talks incessantly, the other has to listen! However, if you feel your ‘once voluble partner’ communicates less today or that your partner has always been the silent one, then, it may be wise for you to think of ways to improve and facilitate communication in your marriage.

Psychologically, communication is of two types-Verbal and Non-Verbal. While women are both verbal and non-verbal communicators, men aren’t so articulate. So, if you are a woman married to a reticent man, accept this difference. And if you are a man and your wife finds you a silent spectator to life’s happenings, then try a bit to voice your opinion and feelings. Also, remember, you can compensate by being a master non-verbal communicator!

First of all, assign ‘couple-time’ wherein, you devote an hour daily in just discussing the day’s happenings. Although it may seem mundane, try to recall an incident that touched you that day, which peeved or interested you. And let your eyes shine when you recall something wondrous. Let your face show concern when you’re worried. Even if your partner merely listens without sharing their routine, you have paved the path in improving communication in your marriage.

If you’re the silent type, make it a point to respect this allocated time, by giving your undivided attention and listening to your partner. This is a thumb-rule in improving communication in a marriage. While your partner is busy baring their feelings, switch off the television, shut the book you’re reading and look at your partner. Nothing can be more offensive than a partner who’s inattentive.

Secondly, while you are listening, reserve your judgment, unless your opinion is sought. Most partners make a grave mistake of giving advice, fixing a problem or chiding, when all they should be doing is listening. Friendliness is the rule when you seek to improve communication in a marriage. You aren’t a substitute to your partner’s parent. As adults, you ought to share the spirit of camaraderie instead of parenting your partner.

Remember, unsolicited advice undermines your partner’s confidence and is a sure barrier in improving communication in a marriage. Also, don’t remark tauntingly. The ground rule is that you’re neither your partner’s parent, nor their child.   

How much and what to reveal? While in some marriages, there are no secrets- with partners sharing everything about themselves and their loved ones, in others, partners prefer not to divulge loved one’s secrets. You ought to honor your partner’s as well as a friend’s wish. You need not share every little secret your friend or family has shared with you. Similarly, it’s unethical to force your partner to share the confidences someone has shared with them. Ideally there should be no secrets pertaining to the relationship between a husband and wife.  

Now, communication in a marriage hits a rough patch, during bitter fights or when the marriage is on the rocks. This is definitely a time, when you ought to mend and improve communication in a marriage. One couple married for more than 25 years said that no matter how bad the situation was, they never shut communication lines! Many, in order to maintain a congenial atmosphere at home, sweep things under the carpet, but that’s the deadliest of things you could do! Sometimes, arguing helps, because, as you unleash your feelings, your partner gets a whiff of what you are upset about. You too got to be fair and allow your partner to vent their feelings. Try to reach a compromise on how to solve the problem and not who is right or who is wrong.

If you’re married to a nag, who often complains or nags, the fact could be that the fault lies with you! None wants to nag. So do take a look at yourself and see how you have contributed to your partner’s behavior, before labeling them ‘nag’.  If you’re the nag, perhaps think of a role-model you respect and think what they’d do in a similar situation. Emulate them.

And if you are tongue-tied from birth, use all your other faculties! Maintain eye-contact, nod approvingly, show signs of disapproval wherever relevant, smile knowingly or laugh when a joke is shared. The very fact that you have been chosen by your partner to bare their heart, shows that they respect you. The least that you can do is to reciprocate. Be bit vulnerable and bare your heart. There’s pleasure in that too!!